Explanation attempt #2

Perhaps I should start closer to the end this time.

So Tom Cullen[0] had a beret and a cigarette and an evil appendix. And the appendix was a car and Linda took it out of his pocket. Mike Epstein was supposed to be the appendix, but instead I was. And Linda took my foot out of his pocket. And I declared, how, her having unwittingly freed me, I would toss octopuses at her knees and flummox her elbows. (How would she eat potatoes then? She couldn't!) And then Ingrid attempted to play something on the piano, and, as was agreed on, Linda defeated me via dancing. But then I got back up, so she had to do so again.

Does that make much more sense? No? Well, it should help explain things, anyway.
(Coming later: The missing but similarly unhelpful middle!)

-Harry

[0]Not a person I previously knew, though apparently he went to the Academy and was a year below me.

Explanation attempt #1

So Linda gave Ingrid a fork... and the fork was a fork bomb... and then Linda danced.

But I had been told Ingrid had been blown up by a spoon bomb, so I was also blown up by a fork bomb.

...no? That doesn't help? Well, I'll have to try this again later.